Unsure

I feel sad today.  The weather is gloomy, which doesn't help.  I know what is making me sad, but I can't talk about it.  Being in this sad place is hard.  I've been here before, and moved on, eventually.  But that doesn't keep me from coming back from time to time. 

1 John 4:18 says, "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love."

I dream about a perfect love, in which there is no fear - no fear of upsetting someone when I talk about my feelings.  No fear of retaliation if the person whom I tell isn't happy with what I say.  No fear of judgment and subsequent "punishment," intended or not.  No fear of being seen as "wrong" because of what makes me myself.  I dream of a perfect love in which there is no fear of me becoming angry when someone else says what they think.  No fear of criticism or of being "fixed" by me.  No fear that someone will lose my love, even during the hard times. The dream goes both ways.

Absence of a negative isn't the complete picture of my desire, though.  I dream of a perfect love in the positive as well - not just lack of fear, but with the full presence of acceptance, encouragement, grace, and mercy.   A safe place to be honest, to be human, to be mistaken, to be myself.  A place that feels like home.

Today my thoughts are so chaotic and jangled that I can't "hear" the voice of the Lion.  Perhaps the questions I'm asking are too belligerent, too vague, too specific, too selfish.  Perhaps I'm so rattled myself that I can't open my heart to listen. 


I know this will pass.  I will probably feel better tomorrow, or the next day.  But I don't know how to get closer to this perfect fearless love, this welcoming acceptance, this homely place where I long to dwell.  I don't know what I'm supposed to do, or even if I'm supposed to do anything.  

I hope I can "hear" again soon. 

wb